jokes

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”
The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some blood.”
The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, “I vould like some plasma.”
The waitress looks up and says, “Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?”
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?
A: To get to the other… um… er…
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The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heaveward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
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Dyslexic man walks into a bra….
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says
“Scotch please, and one for the road.”
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
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Baby harp seals don’t walk into just any old bars.
They walk into clubs.
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A baby harp seal walks into a bar
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Bartender: “What will it be?”
Harp seal: “Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks”
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A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
“What the hell is anal glaucoma?”
“I can’t see my ass coming into work today.”
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A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man’s penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, “Daddy, what the heck was that?”
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, “It….it was only a bug, Honey.”
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..
“Sure had a big dick, didn’t it?”
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A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I’m sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral….. I’m a gynecologist.”
That’s when the proctologist fainted.
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A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, “Well…I can clearly see your nuts.”
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Ben Franklin was having trouble with his kite, and Mrs Ben came
out to offer some advice. “You need more tail.”
“That’s what I said this morning, and you told me to go fly a kite.”